Friday, January 16, 2009

Citing Struggling Economy, Yankees Name Teixera First Baseman, Parking Supervisor

NEW YORK—At a press conference held in the new Yankee Stadium yesterday, the New York Yankees announced that they have reached an agreement on an eight year, $180 million contract with Mark Teixeira that will make the 28 year old the team’s new first baseman and Senior Parking Supervisor. While Teixeira has long been one of baseball’s elite first basemen, this will be the Annapolis native’s first foray into the world of parking attendance. “We’re thrilled to get the best first baseman in the game into pinstripes,” crowed an elated Hank Steinbrenner. “Tex can do it all. Hit, field, direct private traffic away from the reserved bus lot on River Ave. You name it!” Teixeira was thrust into his dual role with the Yankees due to the slumping American economy, as the team no longer felt it could manage the $65,000 a year salary of former Senior Parking Supervisor, Hector Leguizamo. Steinbrenner addressed the team’s decision by explaining that “while Hector was a wonderful attendant, a thoughtful and gracious person, a caring father of five and grandfather of eight, his salary was an albatross for this organization. I mean, we’re in a recession and, in a recession, jobs are going to get cut. That’s just a fact.”

Also in the news:

Kurt Warner thanks Prop 8, teammates for playoff success, page 2

Sidney Ponson exhuasted, page 8

OJ Simpson: "This is everybody's fault but my own.", page 14

Tim Hardaway Mad Libs, page 22


  1. Now here's something I can wrap my head around. Sports meets elements of grammar. But what do you mean "euphemism for religion"? Isn't "religion" a euphemism already?


  2. Oh you!

    I should point out that you have actually commented the Mark Teixeira article, but I will nonetheless engage your point:
    "Religion" is a specific belief system with hierarchy and boundaries. Mr. Rivers used the term "faith backgrounds," though, as you know, "faith" has no definite hierarchy or boundaries. It is malleable enough to refer to even non-religious people. It is used improperly, however, to make religious comments seem less daunting.

    And I love you, sweets.