Cancelled 2004-2005 NHL to be Played Retroactively on 'NHL 2005' for PlayStation 2

AIKEN—In a major announcement Friday, NHL Commissioner Gary Bettman announced that the locked-out 2004-2005 NHL season will be played, start to finish, on Playstation 2. “Though the NHL has rebounded admirably from the unfortunate lockout,” Bettman noted, “there is still a gap in our record book that must be filled. While I wish we could go back in time and play those games, that idea is, for various reason, untenable. To that end, I am glad to present the ‘NHL-PS2 Virtual Season Intitiative.” While the announcement that the season would be played on the best-selling hockey platform NHL 2005 was shocking enough, Bettman also took the opportunity to announce that he had hired twenty year old Taylor “T-Dog” Wells, a sophomore at the University of South Carolina-Aiken, to play the season. In defense of his choice, Bettman explained “the NHL, more than any other league, is about the average fan. I can see no better example of the average fan than Mr. Wells, an avid Hurricanes fan, a purchaser of official NHL licensed merchandise, and an American.” Bettman announced that Wells was scheduled to begin the season in early March and finish no later than midterms.

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Rafael Palmeiro to Congress: "I am not, nor have I ever been, Rafael Palmeiro", page 7

Badminton player tired of "shuttlecock" jokes, page 14

Post-Structuralists Under Represented in NCAA Football Coaching Ranks, Says Highly Interpretive Report

PARIS—At a special luncheon held for the press on Sunday, Yves Chevrier, President of Ecole des Hautes Etudes Sociales, released a new report denouncing a perceived under-representation of post-structuralists among NCAA football head coaches. Through examining the wording of over two hundred head coaching contracts and then separating the use of language from the authorial intent of both coaches and Athletic Directors, Chevrier concluded that post-structuralists are institutionally discriminated against by “a NCAA trapped in the paradigms of a bourgeois, white male mentalite.” “Whenever a post-structuralist wishes to question the fundamental tenet of an A.D.’s worldview and show the hyper-unreality that is the shadows and light of college football, he or she is rebuffed. Why? Do they fear that we may expose their games for what they are, a celebration of the artificial masculine binary?” Myles Brand, NCAA President, was quick to denounce the accusation that there was any sort of conscious effort to keep prominent post-structuralists such as Jacques Derrida, Julia Kristeva, and Jean-Luc Nancy, from receiving interviews for high profile job openings at Auburn, Tennessee, and Clemson. “I’ve spoken to Monsieur Chevrier before and I will tell you now what I’ve already told him – the NCAA does not discriminate based on race, creed, religion, gender, or interpretation of signifier/signified relationship.”

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Rikkert Faneyte: "I'm the Dutch Jackie Robinson", page 5

Howie Long bursts into tears, page 12

Joe Rogan Elected to MLB Hall of Fame; Voters Cite "Fear Factor."

COOPERSTOWN--Garnering 76.4% support from BWAA voters (a total of 412 write-in votes), actor/comedian Joe Rogan, 41, has been elected to the Major League Baseball Hall of Fame. Rogan’s election followed weeks of sparring among journalists, statisticians, and analysts, as the former Man Show host became the center of a heated debate surrounding Rogan’s Hall-worthiness. Following Rogan’s election, ESPN.com’s Jerry Crasnick explained that “whatever the sabrmetric community’s misgivings about electing someone who has never played pro baseball to the Hall of Fame, Rogan deserves to be in based on the Fear Factor alone. For 142 episodes, Joe Rogan meant fear to six unlucky contestants.” Asked how he feels about being elected to the Hall of Fame, Rogan expressed appreciation and added that he will spend the majority of his acceptance speech denouncing Carlos Mencia.

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Syracuse, William & Mary declare papal war on Notre Dame, page 3

Dr. James Andrews: "I really must question the depiction of rotator cuff injuries in 20th Century Fox's Rookie of the Year", page 14.

Josh Howard Mad Libs, page 21

Citing Struggling Economy, Yankees Name Teixera First Baseman, Parking Supervisor

NEW YORK—At a press conference held in the new Yankee Stadium yesterday, the New York Yankees announced that they have reached an agreement on an eight year, $180 million contract with Mark Teixeira that will make the 28 year old the team’s new first baseman and Senior Parking Supervisor. While Teixeira has long been one of baseball’s elite first basemen, this will be the Annapolis native’s first foray into the world of parking attendance. “We’re thrilled to get the best first baseman in the game into pinstripes,” crowed an elated Hank Steinbrenner. “Tex can do it all. Hit, field, direct private traffic away from the reserved bus lot on River Ave. You name it!” Teixeira was thrust into his dual role with the Yankees due to the slumping American economy, as the team no longer felt it could manage the $65,000 a year salary of former Senior Parking Supervisor, Hector Leguizamo. Steinbrenner addressed the team’s decision by explaining that “while Hector was a wonderful attendant, a thoughtful and gracious person, a caring father of five and grandfather of eight, his salary was an albatross for this organization. I mean, we’re in a recession and, in a recession, jobs are going to get cut. That’s just a fact.”

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Sidney Ponson exhuasted, page 8

OJ Simpson: "This is everybody's fault but my own.", page 14

Tim Hardaway Mad Libs, page 22

Philip River's Abstinence Mad Libs

All of the _________ [plural noun] and _________ [plural noun] at the conference they y’know…we all come from…from different _________ [euphemism for ‘religion’], but we all agree on, uh, the topic of chastity. It can be so _________ [adjective] when you get all these, uh, young people together in one place to be a part of something that’s…that really is, uh, it’s a _________ [adjective] _________ [noun]. It’s headed in that direction in this culture, and to be able to…to gain some momentum and, uh, and get everything tipping back in the _________ [euphemism for ‘conservative’] direction, it’s, uh, it can be very _________ [adjective]…The Pacific Surge Conference on July 7^th will allow all of you _________ [plural noun] to come together in one…one _________ [noun] to interact with one another, uh, on a subject – chastity – that we’re all _________ [verb, ending in ‘ing’] with and that you will continue to _________ [verb] with for the rest of your life, so. I know for those of you who are _________ [noun] fans or…or whatever your _________ [plural noun] may be, if…if they had a conference on that, you’d be lined up out the _________ [noun]. This is equally even more important. Uh, I would encourage all of you to come. I won’t be there in person but I’ll be there on _________ [noun] and, uh, have a _________ [adjective] _________ [noun] for all of you.

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Bob Costas engages in hyperbole, page 5

Finland's Olympic basketball tryouts a quaint, intimate affair, page 8

Brett Favre: "I have the arm of a gunslinger, but the heart of a poet.", page 11

Anne Hathaway To Star In Bear Bryant Biopic

HOLLYWOOD--In a casting decision that is sure to undergo scrutiny from football fans and tinsel town insiders alike, Miramax Films has commissioned Anne Hathaway to play the titular role in their upcoming biopic, The Bear Bryant Story. Hathaway, 26, has achieved both box office success (The Princess Diaries, Ella Enchanted) and critical acclaim (Brokeback Mountain, Rachel Getting Married) in recent years and is reportedly excited to take on the challenge of portraying one of college football's greatest coaches. "Anne is one of Hollywood's finest young actors, a true star, a consummate professional, and a master of her craft," explained Harvey Weinstein, co-founder of Miramax Films. When asked about the difficulty in portraying the six-time National Championship winning coach of the University of Alabam Crimson Tide, Hathaway evaded the issue. "I'm an actor," Hathaway explained, "and I don't think anything as cosmetic as age or gender will hinder my portrayal of Coach Bryant. If all goes well, I expect this to be a sort of The Devil Wears a Plaid Fedora."

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Brian Scalabrine: "I never claimed I was good at basketball," page 5

Turtle Wins 400 m Freestyle at Togo National Swim Trials, page 14

Herm Edwards Mad Libs, page 18