WHAT THE HELL, TEPPERMAN!?

"Where're the posts, y' big tool?" you may be asking yourself.

Well, considering the number of hits The Sporting Schmooze has attracted, you're probably not thinking that. Nobody is. Especially not you.

Anyhoo, I've been buried under school work for weeks, but the Sporting Schmooze is back on track for new articles which will readers of all ages to the brink of laughter.

Yours,

Alejandro.

Cancelled 2004-2005 NHL to be Played Retroactively on 'NHL 2005' for PlayStation 2

AIKEN—In a major announcement Friday, NHL Commissioner Gary Bettman announced that the locked-out 2004-2005 NHL season will be played, start to finish, on Playstation 2. “Though the NHL has rebounded admirably from the unfortunate lockout,” Bettman noted, “there is still a gap in our record book that must be filled. While I wish we could go back in time and play those games, that idea is, for various reason, untenable. To that end, I am glad to present the ‘NHL-PS2 Virtual Season Intitiative.” While the announcement that the season would be played on the best-selling hockey platform NHL 2005 was shocking enough, Bettman also took the opportunity to announce that he had hired twenty year old Taylor “T-Dog” Wells, a sophomore at the University of South Carolina-Aiken, to play the season. In defense of his choice, Bettman explained “the NHL, more than any other league, is about the average fan. I can see no better example of the average fan than Mr. Wells, an avid Hurricanes fan, a purchaser of official NHL licensed merchandise, and an American.” Bettman announced that Wells was scheduled to begin the season in early March and finish no later than midterms.

Also in the news:

Bill Romanowski throws football at wife's crotch during phone bill spat, page 2

Rafael Palmeiro to Congress: "I am not, nor have I ever been, Rafael Palmeiro", page 7

Badminton player tired of "shuttlecock" jokes, page 14

Post-Structuralists Under Represented in NCAA Football Coaching Ranks, Says Highly Interpretive Report

PARIS—At a special luncheon held for the press on Sunday, Yves Chevrier, President of Ecole des Hautes Etudes Sociales, released a new report denouncing a perceived under-representation of post-structuralists among NCAA football head coaches. Through examining the wording of over two hundred head coaching contracts and then separating the use of language from the authorial intent of both coaches and Athletic Directors, Chevrier concluded that post-structuralists are institutionally discriminated against by “a NCAA trapped in the paradigms of a bourgeois, white male mentalite.” “Whenever a post-structuralist wishes to question the fundamental tenet of an A.D.’s worldview and show the hyper-unreality that is the shadows and light of college football, he or she is rebuffed. Why? Do they fear that we may expose their games for what they are, a celebration of the artificial masculine binary?” Myles Brand, NCAA President, was quick to denounce the accusation that there was any sort of conscious effort to keep prominent post-structuralists such as Jacques Derrida, Julia Kristeva, and Jean-Luc Nancy, from receiving interviews for high profile job openings at Auburn, Tennessee, and Clemson. “I’ve spoken to Monsieur Chevrier before and I will tell you now what I’ve already told him – the NCAA does not discriminate based on race, creed, religion, gender, or interpretation of signifier/signified relationship.”

Also in the news:

Cock-fighting strike leads to impromptu barbecue, page 4

Rikkert Faneyte: "I'm the Dutch Jackie Robinson", page 5

Howie Long bursts into tears, page 12

Joe Rogan Elected to MLB Hall of Fame; Voters Cite "Fear Factor."

COOPERSTOWN--Garnering 76.4% support from BWAA voters (a total of 412 write-in votes), actor/comedian Joe Rogan, 41, has been elected to the Major League Baseball Hall of Fame. Rogan’s election followed weeks of sparring among journalists, statisticians, and analysts, as the former Man Show host became the center of a heated debate surrounding Rogan’s Hall-worthiness. Following Rogan’s election, ESPN.com’s Jerry Crasnick explained that “whatever the sabrmetric community’s misgivings about electing someone who has never played pro baseball to the Hall of Fame, Rogan deserves to be in based on the Fear Factor alone. For 142 episodes, Joe Rogan meant fear to six unlucky contestants.” Asked how he feels about being elected to the Hall of Fame, Rogan expressed appreciation and added that he will spend the majority of his acceptance speech denouncing Carlos Mencia.

Also in the news:

Syracuse, William & Mary declare papal war on Notre Dame, page 3

Dr. James Andrews: "I really must question the depiction of rotator cuff injuries in 20th Century Fox's Rookie of the Year", page 14.

Josh Howard Mad Libs, page 21